So You're Going Bald! by Julius Sharpe

Author:Julius Sharpe [Sharpe, Julius]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Harper
Published: 2019-04-02T03:00:00+00:00

16

How to Act on a Date

Once you’ve created a dating profile, attracted a response, corresponded winningly, gotten a woman to agree to meet you somewhere in public and she’s actually shown up, now what the hell are you supposed to do?

First, have flowers. Say “Someone just gave these to me,” so she’ll think there might be some competition. You’re now off to a great start. This may be her first time ever being seen with a bald man, so it’s important you’re sensitive to that. Offer to wear a beekeeper’s mask if it makes her more comfortable, or tell her you’re willing to sit behind a scrim.

Much of what you should do is obvious, or at least intuitive: Treat her like a queen; don’t cry if she doesn’t, but cry if she does; if you bring fruit, make sure you have enough for both of you; no feet on the table unless she’s in the restroom; only blast reggae if she says she’s cool with it; don’t try to pay with a foreign currency; at each date’s conclusion, present her with a handwritten note and monogrammed Fabergé egg.

Each date is so different, it’s impossible for me to advise on even a small fraction of the potential outcomes. However, I can generalize: Above all, it’s time to stop thinking about what you want, and instead help her get what she’s seeking out of the experience. By giving her what she wants, you’ll get what you want, which is her not leaving.

What does she want? How can you create a lasting bond? While everyone is different, her needs probably fit within some broad parameters. We’ve established that anyone considering dating you has probably already gone through a significant tragedy. Bear with me as I delve a bit further into their potential psychological profiles.

There are two types of dog owners: Those who pick the finest purebreds, and those who go to the pound and opt for a rescue. Rescue owners make it a point of pride how close the dog was to death. “They were going to gas her that day.” “The previous owner beat him with a tire iron!” The subtext is “Yada, yada, yada, I’m a great person.”

There’s something in the psychology of these rescue dog people where they care less about the physical appearance of their dog and more about how the story of their dog turns them into a hero. Are you beginning to see where this is going? You can take advantage of this same psychological quirk to become her “rescue human”—the man who was pathetic and abused, and she’s the only one who sees his true value. The more pathetic you are, the better the woman dating you will feel about herself.

To that end, as soon as you can, tell her your parents are dead. You’re basically bald Batman. You’ll have to make sure she never meets your parents, but that’s easy—simply never see your parents again. That may sound harsh, but who’s going to give you

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